Who's the hurter and who's the hurtee?

It's a difficult situation, being in a conflict having an argument with someone you know, respect and love... or at least used to. Because someway down the road of anger and disappointment you lose the caring, and turn cold. How do you act when confrontation has taken place? Where to go after acknowledging the issue/issues? I know you hurt me, you know i hurt you. Establishment been made, check.
Silence.

It's been too long and i'm numb. I do not know if i still care. Maybe the answer is "yes!! you do care" but its burried deep under the mountain off pain, ignorance, exhaustion and evidently indifference. Can one really truly be indifferent to another human being? It seems absurd.
Tired. Tired to deal with it.
Am i being lazy and neglecting what could affect my life and my feelings? Where to stop thinking about others and be entirely selfish?
This is not the time to hide. Most certainly not.
But it is the oh so easiest choice isn't it.

 

 

 

 I myself never had a "relationship" in true meaning of the word... whatever that is :/ To be yourself fully and to not fear putting yourself in that vulnerable position is courageous. Now i don't claim to be a coward cuz if you look at it from a logical aspect; what's the worst that could happen? You get rejected, and move on. Right?

So why then? 

I'm just generally confused nowadays, about everything and anything. Relationships, friends, feelings, the purpose of my existence. Why don't i believe in god? Why do others believe in god? What is weakness? What is strength? What am i? What do i wanna be? Does it really matter in the end? XD
Why is man such a fool? Why cant we see colour as particles absorbing different amounts of light? Why do we fill in gaps we cannot understand with mumbo jumbo and thereby fool ourselves? And isn't it so then the world as we perceive it is a fiction of our imagination and in real, it's something like the Matrix tho we're our own enemies?
And if we make stuff up as we go along (continuing the Matrix hypothesis), nothing is for "real" now is it? Not even relationships. Or should i rephrase it saying LOVE doesnt exist? That, we made up so guilt would not take over our conscious when "using" another being to satisfy own needs. (ok scratch the love part for now)

(self destructive? yes)

:)

Actually, and am not trying to cause sympathy or pity or make myself appear as whatnot so don't get ideas :D I prefer the moments alone, locked in my own room, curtains down, listening to music or reading.
Alone.
Cuz i can only bare myself in larger doses compared to being with others... or can i?
Anyways, this behaviour doesn't fit with the recent discovery on highly current topic called Helen :P i am a hyper and social being so loner status doesn't fit the profile. But there's a time limit for socialness where as i can spend with a person. I figure out what drew me to them and pick out the interesting parts... and leave.
Sad.
Let's paint the world in bright colours and be naive and ignorant shall we :)

Now imagine me getting into a relationship. Self inflicted death :D chaos will spread thruout my body with rapid speed, so rapid infact it will kill cellules when passing.

So, with this all figured out one can draw this conclusion:
I will be ready to enter a relationship when i am complete.
Follow up: when will i be complete?
If the term "next life" exists my answer is:
not even then.
(O.o omg, do i even want to be in a relationship...?)
=
Helen will never be in a relationship.

Maybe now i can sleep peacefully knowing i figured it all out.

 

 

  

 Alright so went to egypt and came back home in one piece.. end ^^
(mum is very paranoid thinking egypt is the same as israel  and going there would mean death since there'd be bombs shooting over our heads).

Well it all started with me whining on wanting to leave the country and go somewhere warm cuz believe it or not this chick's never been on a vacation (meaning relaxing in the sun by a pool kinda vacation). So with my wish being all out in the open two friends, Hazal (close gf) and Uffe (guy in my former econ class) responded with a "Hellyeah we should!" and the tickets (last minute) were booked for a bargain. Prime Purpose was as you might get, to relax in the sun by the pool :P And if we could afford it, go see the pyramids or the Sphinx.

Cash: 100 EU
Luxor: 150 EU
Cairo: 250 EU

= We stayed put.

The hotel/resort was pretty nifty so np, we had alota fun anyways. The pool was HUGE and had a view over the Red sea, muy nice. The servants were sooo polite i felt ashamed being born and frankly no one deserves such royal treating :D

Nearest "town" > Port Ghalib
After a day or two buy the pool we got a bit bored and decided to explore the area on our own. We went out thru the hotel gates and looked across the sand

and began walking
and reached the town,
sat down on the ground
and starred into the bewitching blue...

The guyfriend who tagged along is actually a photographer.

Since we brought 100 EU pocketmoney along, it would be a shame to return it with us ehm ehm.. we spent it on what they called a Super safari (hawhawhaw > lame name, awesome experience).

Most frequent asked question: Are you arabic?
Answer: NO fuckit! :)

Second most frequent asked question: Is that your boyfriend?
Answer: Naah, he's my husband. Go away. ;)

And they all looked gobsmacked starring at the white swedish dude with two middle eastern wives thinking "the lucky bastard's got skills".

:)